It was about a year and a half since I started searching for justification, as reasonable as I could, to believe in or to reject the claim of the existence of the biblical God.
On the side that was against the existence of the biblical God, the reasons could be summarized as follows. Firstly, God was unseen and to believe His existence together with His unlimited power seemed irrational. Secondly, the fact that there were unexplained sufferings posted a direct challenge to the belief of a merciful and almighty God.
It seemed to me that the other side, that supported the biblical claim of an almighty Creator, was more compelling than the side against it. The existence of the biblical Creator explained the origin of consciousness of plants and animals readily – He created it. The Creator would hold the perfect answer for the meaning of life. He would be the reason for the miraculous change of direction of the disciples. His existence provided the “obvious” answers to the amazing and complex structure of the world, and even some historical and personal experiences. The biblical world view gave people values, love, justice, and hope in a very natural way. Such a world view could only come from the Creator, because He was the cause of existence in the first place.
Could I just shout out loud that “I am convinced”? No, I could not. Committing to the Christian faith was a big decision! What if it turned out to be false? I felt like I was about to lay on a comfortable bed, but who knew what was underneath the comforter? It might be all nails!
I struggled to decide. It seemed that believing in the Christian God was reasonable and quite desirable, but I was afraid to make a wrong decision. The more time it took, the harder I felt. Then I suddenly realized there was an obvious question I did not think about before.
Why bother? Believing could be risky, rejecting seemed unreasonable, but there was no harm if I just forgot about all these struggles!
I thought and reflected, amazed by the fact that I never thought about giving up. Then I found the answer: It was the meaning of life. The driving force behind my search was my deep desire to understand the meaning of my own existence.
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